The Lungs Of Voldemort
by Dan Amsterdam
Summary: The Headmaster of Hogwarts Harold Potter and Professor Quirrell go on a quest to find the fabled Lungs of Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

_None of the characters, settings, items, products, vehicles or situations are owned by that of this author._

"Hmmm, this could go either way. Your potential does not indicate any strength in any one house. Why don't we send you off to Ravenclaw."

Another year, another beginning for a year at Hogwarts. After graduating some twelve years ago, Harold Potter took charge of Hogwarts' Headmaster duty. This was his third year now, and after the experiences of the former two, he knew that he would be dreading this one.

"You look like you could work well in Gryffindor." The Sorting Hat was placed upon yet another newcomer unlikely to rise above an average performance. "Indeed. Off to Gryffindor with ye!"

It seemed that the students tended to get worse by each year. In example, Hufflepuff managed to win the House Cup with only -45 points, from an extra 10 points awarded to them "for not stabbing anyone!"


	2. It's Hambris

But then, one particular student stood up, and Harold suddenly saw a possible gleam of hope in this mass of new dullards. His name was Tyson Hambris, born of two muggles, whose magic began to develop somehow at the age of nine. A talent scout discovered him while he was repairing the contents of a bag of Bugles a cart had run over.

"Well, well. Judging by your aura, it seems you would excel most greatly in….Gryffindor!"

And with that, the sorting process had been completed. Harold stood up to speak. "Today begins the first day of your seven years of comprehensive studying in Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft. The future is in your hands now. See that you make the best of it!"

The five houses were dismissed.


	3. Green Gum Was Discovered

Some three weeks later, the Gryffindor Quidditch team returned from an away game in Cuba. Harold watched the new promising student and seeker Hambris shower from the surveillance camera.

"So how did our boy fare today?" asked the Hat.

"From what I had heard, he came the closest to scoring ten point, though the quaffle bounced off the hoop instead. I did not see this as I grew bored at the time and was peeling gum off of the bottom of the seat in front of me. Only a single bandage under my own seat."

"Intriguing," muttered the Hat. "But for now the time is coming upon us."

"Ah yes." Harold replied, taking a sip of brandy from his Official NASCAR Dale Earnhart Jr. Limited Edition Collectors Cup. "The preparations should all be ready."

At that time, cafeteria worker Quirinus Quirrell, who had been demoted from Professor of Defense Against The Dark after the Sorcerer's Stone incident, entered the room. "The nearby seas have been analyzed. Voldemort is unlikely to show up tonight with any kind of army."

"Then we shall make haste," proclaimed Potter. "Weather conditions permitting, tomorrow night we shall find and destroy the infamous Lungs of Voldemort."

The Lungs of Voldemort were a dark and powerful artifact, which Voldemort used for his lungs. He had removed them from his body five years ago and hid it in the Cave Of Lost Sorrows, enabling him to withstand areas lacking in oxygen. It has been hypothesized the Voldemort may have been forming an undersea army, or even an outer space army, during his absence.

Harold, Hat and Quirrell climbed aboard Harold's personal fishing boat and set forth to the Cave Of Lost Sorrows.


	4. Enter No

Weather permitting, Harold, Quirrell and Hat arrived at the Cave of Lost Sorrows. They made their way up the jagged rocky stairs to the mouth of the cave.

"You have reached the Cave of Lost Sorrows! The Cave of Lost Sorrows you have most certainly found! The very cave that lies before you, is none other than that of the Lost Sorrows! Lost sorrows will be found in this cave before you! Sorrows are often lost in this cave here! This cave, this Cave of Lost Sorrows!"

Harold recognized this voice as that of the elf Dobby. The three turned their heads to the 9-foot, 750-pound Dobby that stood to the left of them. "Dobby, it is so great to see you. We happened to be on a quest to find the Lungs of Voldemort in this cave…"

"You shall not enter this cave! The cave may not be entered by you! Entrance is not be bestowed on you! Inside this cave is everywhere you shall not be! You inside this cave is not permitted! You are welcome to enter this cave, however, you are not!"

"If that is the case, then I suppose we will have to go through you first." Harold disrobed.

"You will not defeat me so easily! With great ease will not be my undoing! It is as simple as never being able to defeat me! My defeat is not something to be taken lightly! I am no peanut shell to your hellfire! I am invincible to simplicity!"

At this point in Harold's life, the lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead had spread across most of his body, giving him the appearance of a cracking vase. "Narsodis Hagunndle!" chanted Harold. Harold's body broke into pieces, then spun around rapidly like a whirlwind. With a mighty gust, Dobby was sent spiraling down the bottom of the mountain.

"Thank God we'll be spared his last words." Quirrell muttered as the three entered the cave.


	5. Cave Lirn

Two miles into the Cave of Lost Sorrows, Harold, Quirrell and Hat heard the sounds of organ music and amusement rides moving. Opening the door in front of it they discovered some kind of carnival of lost sorrows, further confirmed by a sign that said "CARNIVA L OF LOST SORROWS".

A Ferris wheel to the left halfway submerged in raw sewage began to turn. Four cars submerged out of the dank pit, then stopped. Out of the fourth car stepped a familiar face.

"Draco Malfoy." Harold muttered. The balding, pajama-clad hermit leaped off the car into the sewage, submerging exactly twenty-five seconds later.

"Well, well, it isn't dear old Harry Potter. How goes the lingering collapse of Hogwarts, Mr. Headmaster?"

"You probably know why we are here, Malfoy. So why you just let us the take the Lungs and get this all over with."

"Those damned lungs haven't been seen around here lately. And I'm not about you let you trash my carnival, my sole reason to live! Any of you so lay a hair on a line guardrail, I will unleash my warheads on you. Speaking of which, that's just an interesting mustache you have there, Potter. It looks like you stepped out of a pornography."

"Alright, that's just about enough out of you!" Sorting Hat latched onto Malfoy's head. With stern concentration, Hat absorbed Malfoy's brain and inner organs through his skull. However, his soul was not there, having hidden in a You Must Be This Tall To Enter sign.

"Fine then, you can find the lungs in one of the bumper cars. Take it and begone!"

And thus they did and the three left the cave. Harold and Hat took sail as Quirrell stayed behind to check on the remains of Dobby. Perhaps he could be used for a casserole on Tuesday.


	6. R&D

Two days later, Harold and Hat returned to Hogwarts. After some rest, they went down to the laboratory where Hogwarts' scientists could analyze the Lungs of Voldemort. They descended the staircase to find a grisly scene.

Several human parts were connected to wires as electricity flowed through them. There were no scientists to be found. In the corner stood sat Nearly Headless Nick, who had somehow been brought back to life. Of course, being nearly headless, he appeared to have died almost immediately.

"Oh those bastards," burst out Hat. "They were EXPLICITLY told that we cancelled this!"

"Cancellation? Of exactly what?" Harold glared at Hat.

"Well, quite simply, we were experimenting on extracting a useful energy source from muggles…" "WHAT???" Harold attempted to punch Hat in the face, which was of course useless. "In any case, we decided to discontinue the research after you replaced Filch since we knew you would disapprove and cancel the project anyway. But alas, they just kept on working, and now they've gotten to the point where they can resurrect spirits. Hey, who the hell ar-"

Sorting Hat was suddenly blasted to pieces. A round figure with a double-barreled shotgun stepped out of the shadows.

"He's right. Just who the hell are you?" The man's eye twitched with rage. "You freaks can't even remember the stupid name you gave me? 'Hey look it's the ghost of a fat friar, let's name him Fat Friar!' Well I've had it with you people treating me like a laughingstock! You all will suffer!"

"Well Fat Friar, clearly you haven't received the memo; this experiment have been cancelled!" Friar responded by blasting Harold's brains all over the walls.

"Nay, this is my Hogwarts now." Friar summoned a couple of Hufflepuff students over. "Go dump the rest of Potter in the incinerator or something."


	7. Hufflepuff Onslaught

Harold regained consciousness just as six Hufflepuffs were about to toss him off a steep cliff. Harold fought back with a flurry of jabs and kicks. Two Hufflepuffs fell off the ledge as the others were dumped into a prickly bush.

Harold rammed down the gymnasium door with his shoulder, only to find more Hufflepuffs idling around. They noticed him and reached for their sais.

Now Harold had to think of something quickly. He knew using the whirlwind spell was risky as his pacemaker would be exposed. Just then, several machetes, the signature blade of Gryffindor, rained down upon the unsuspecting Hufflepuffs. Nelson Romple, former dropout who returned to complete his sixth year, called for Harold to find cover. Ducking under an overturned waste bucket, Harold realized just the spell! He disrobed and changed all of his limbs into riot control gattling guns.

Harold clunked down Hogwarts' hallways, shooting down Hufflepuffs bursting out of doors, off of ceilings, out of lockers and tumbling through windows. He stormed into the Study of Ancient Runes class, only to end up staring down the cannon of a Hufflepuff M-374 tank.

Sixteen Gryffindors jumped out of a janitor's closet to the left, so Harold ordered them to attack it at all sides. The students did well in holding the tank off as Harold looked for more ammunition. But then, the one dreaded spell escaped from the lips of a Gryffindor: "Rictussempra!"

A dark hole to a feared and mysterious dimension opened up, sucking in all the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors in the vicinity. Harold crawled under the sink to avoid being sucked in. After six minutes the dark hole faded away and Harold emerged, prepared to take on anything that could have come out of the other side of the portal.

Something suddenly bit Harold on the arm. Harold knocked it off and into a projection screen. It turned out to be Harold's old friend Hermione Granger, who sacrificed herself to get Voldemort sucked into a portal years ago.

"That really hurt, you know," said Harold.

"Likewise," said Hermione, spitting out two teeth.


	8. Pointless Exposition

Harold and Hermione walked down the now bullet-riddled hallways as Hermione described her years in the other dimension. "Horrible, horrible place, nothing but eternal suffering and melting flesh. Not even the devil himself would be cruel enough to cast the worst souls into that place. So naturally they ganged up on him and threw him it there. So how's everyone else been?"

"Well, Hagrid left Hogwarts to start his own academy, Ron and his siblings started up an abortion clinic, Cho is the Arithmancy teacher here until next week when I fire her, and Snape was caught smoking pot, so they cancelled the Slytherin program and replacing it with two other ones. Oh, and your mother was so distraught by your disappearance that she snapped and started her own terrorist cell."

At that moment Fat Friar walked out through a wall, even though he was supposed to be alive and not a ghost anymore. "There's someone who would like to speak to you, Harry…" A clocked figure came out. "Do not interfere in my plans, dear boy."

Harold recognized that voice immediately. The hood was pulled down, and sure enough it was Harold's mother Lily Potter.

"Mother! Why would you do such a thing?" Lily only shook her head. "Oh my dear son, you have become too accepting of those pitiful muggles. You should know that they have no real use to us wizards, or at least until we find a good use for them. I have heard you found some lungs. We could use that."

Lily moved closer to Harold, obviously planning to take the lungs by force if necessary, but then a pale fist smashed through her head. "You again?!? Why did you have to return?" The pale man ripped Friar's head and threw it straight at his crotch. Friar collapsed in agony.

"It is you," Harold gasped. "It's…"

"Voldemort," said Voldemort.


	9. He Had A Point After All

Voldemort advanced slowly towards Harold and Hermione. Harold fired off his remaining bullet, only to miss him. Hermione ran up and kicked him in the face, which Voldemort responded to with a punch to the jaw.

"By the seven heathen gods of Asterig, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!!!"

The two were cornered as the dark sorcerer approached.

"My, my, your school has done some extraordinary research over the years. It just might be just what I require to complete one of my backup plans. Imagine, if you will, a world infested with naught but muggles. Muggles, every cursed one of you! Of course, I will be the only one to walk this earth with the powers of magic, and without any obnoxious magic-users to disrupt my plans. Now, my lungs!"

"I'm afraid I have misplaced them, perhaps they fell into the same vortex you just came out from," Harold grinned.

"Well in the meantime, I suppose I'll have to make do with some blackened Gryffindor lungs." Voldemort grabbed Harold by the throat.

"I have lungs too! Yours." Voldemort turned around to see Tyson Hambris with a noose around his neck. Hambris leaped out the window.

"You are a twit! Return my lungs at…GOARF!!" Voldemort could not breathe, due to Hambris swallowing his lungs and then suffocating himself. His skin exploded off his body in large flakes. His skeleton just stood there motionless.

"Is he finally gone."

"Let's hope so this time. Boy am I sick of this place."

And thus Harold and Hermione got on a boat and drifted far away as Hogwarts burned to the ground.


End file.
